reasons

i sat down and i soul searched... my mom always said when you just can't seem to figure something out.... soul search. So the question at hand... Why do I always end up with men who can't commit and/or treat me badly?

I guess I didn't want to play the blame game. What I came up is totally cliche and I hate that this could be the reason but its the only reason that fit.

As kids my dad never let us get too close to him. He was always afraid he was gonna die young like his dad so as he explained it he didn't want us to get close so it wouldn't hurt us as much if he died young. When we hit 18 or so the relationship with my father had drastically improved. I love my dad very very much and I know that he loves me very very much. I know that his intentions were based on love but they were also based on fear. i think i buried it deep in my brain I think thats why I attract the men I do. Its comfortable, its what i am used too.

So how do i change this pattern? My thoughts... #1 Acknowledging and accepting what happened. I think a big part of that was also having my mom acknowledge that this could be a reason. At 27 years old I still crave my parents approval. When I talked to my mom about my thoughts she didn't make me feel bad for bringing this idea to the table. She acknowledged it could be a very valid reason.

#2 Forgiveness. This is something I am having a difficult time with. I love my dad and don't blame him so how is possible to forgive someone that you love so much with out placing blame. I think being a parent actually makes this process a little more difficult. i realize that as a parent we make mistakes. We do everything we can to protect our children but parents are not perfect. So the forgiveness I think may have already happened it could just be putting all the pieces together at this part.

#3 Moving on. That is were i am at now. Ok Dad made mistakes, I've made mistakes But My father loves me and I love my father. I love my daughter, my daughter loves me SO to me that means its time I love myself. My thought process being if I can love myself I can be comfortable with myself, If Im comfortable with myself I won't be looking so hard leaving the door open for something positive to happen...

So heres to new beginnings... Look and you'll find yourself... its hard... it hurts like hell but its possible... if your reading this blog and your in a situation keep remembering you are a survivor. You are an amazing woman. You don't deserve to only have half a person... Please Remember two halves of people don't make a whole person. Don't hate yourself for the mistakes you've made, love yourself for the person you are, the lives you've touched, the positive you've brought to this world... You are special, you are beautiful, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

we need to becareful

I think after leaving an abuser you get this over whelming high. for a minute you feel like you can take on the world. You believe that because you got the greatest evil in your life that it can't happen again. And then what do you do End up with the same exact type of person. Maybe this one doesn't physically abuse you but you end up in this loop of picking the same kind of person who can't be emotionally available. Than you feel stuck again. We need to find the root. We need to figure out why we are continually attracting this type of man. So I challenge myself to figure out why. i guess the first place to start is some kind of therapy. I don't think i can figure it out on my own. I think whenever I get close too figuring out why I pretend everything is a ok because I am scared. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to know why so i can change it. So i can become a better person so i can pick a person who will love me just for who i am... a person that CAN love me.

He smashed my computer

so it was a year ago today he smashed my computer to bits and threw me to the floor. he took the baby's highchair and held it high in the air like he was going to hit me. I called my mom... i talked to her as he threatened me and called me names and called my family names.... I remember telling my mom, "Mom I would never kill myself if anything happens to me just know I would never kill myself" Earlier that week i walked into him watching a popular court tv show that shows of a abusive husband that killed his wife and made it look like a suicide. I don't remember why the fight died down but it did. he went out or went to bed.... and i cleaned up the pieces. Everyone of my child's baby pictures was in that computer. That computer eventually was evidence for the State Police. When I got back nearly a year later and took it to a local Best Buy to try and retrieve the hard drive. The tech said he has NEVER seen damage that bad done to a laptop and he had just received a laptop run over by a truck earlier that day. Needless to say the hard drive was no able to be recovered.
This was the eve of our baby's 1st birthday..... he promised again that it woudn't happen ... ya know at that point and time i think i was finally starting to get it... it wasn't gonna stop until i died.

My Daughter

My daughter. She's just this ball of energy and love in its purest form. So gentle and caring and loving. Even through the terrible (almost) 2's. She learning who she is. And when she explores her world through a smack or a bite and she's realized I hurt mommy/M/ Auntie/etc. her bottom lip quivers and she rubs the boo boo and kisses it better. Later she'll come and bite or smack again and I continue to tell her No Little One, that's not nice We don't hit/bite/throw. We are gentle and take her little hands in mine and rub them gently across my/m/auntie/etc. face. And little by little its happening farther and farther apart. Trying to teach a children right from wrong is not an easy job but consistency pays off. My most important lesson to my child... Use your words/your signs but never your fist. No matter how frustrating it is when you can't get your part across you NEVER use violence to attention or your point across.. always use your words/signs and mommy will do her best to figure out what you can't say or sign.

After... sigh

I thought that after the sentencing i would feel this great relief. Boy was I dreaming. If anything things have seemed to have gotten worse. The first few days it was like this intense mourning. The boy I loved, turned into the man I feared BUT he was my daughters father. And now its become quite clear. My daughter will never have a father. No her biological father at least. I guess I prayed that while he was away he would realize he was wrong and that Teagan deserved better. I prayed that while he was in he would do some soul searching and make some real changes. Now he has 7-17 years to either make a change or sit and stew. His family wants to make every excuse in the book. Are you freaking serious. It makes me feel hateful... WHY DIDN'T YOU GET HIM OUT! You let your children be abused and you let your children become abusers. And now you hate me because I wanted better for my children. FUCK YOU! How could you stand up there and make it sound like I kept your grand daughter from you. LIAR LIAR LIAR!!!!!!!!!!! I asked you people a million times to see her and you refused because you were too angry at me... Now ... Now... sigh.... I don't even know. My daughter. MY DAUGHTER.... My life... My world.... MY DAUGHTER. You couldn't WOULDN'T even protect your own. why would i ever expect you would put your grand daughters well being first... God Help me... BUT I HATE YOU and I HATE the monsters you've created. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent my daughter from being your family's next Victim. She's MY daughter. Raised with Love. Raised with respect and even at her young age raised to know there are consequences for every action.

Victory

Court was on August 11th 2010. It was a crazy day indeed. I was given the choice to hand my VIS to the judge or read it. I decided that even though i was terrified I needed to read it allowed. It was a safe was to confront my abuser. I was literally shaking in my boots as i read it. This is my VIS:

"I ask you , Judge, to please not forget the faceless, voiceless victim.Domestic abuse is Family Abuse. Everyone deserves a voice. Writing this statement I need to find

a voice not only for me but for my innocent 1 year old daughter. Who has been through more
in her short time on this earth then any child should. My daughter's name is XXXXXX XXXXXX.
She turned One 4 days before the events on Oct. 26th.
She is hard of hearing. With in the first few days of escaping Mr. Abuser, XXXXXX signed "Daddy?" I told her "No daddy is not here anymore" and my daughter smiled. That scene will forever be burned in my head. I never realized how much my daughter had seen, felt or heard until that very moment.
No child should ever be put through that especially by her own father. At 21 months old
she appears to be a happy and healthy child. but I know the questions will come soon
enough, "Where is my daddy? Why did he hurt us? No matter how much I stew over the answers they are questions I just don't know the answers to at this time. I can only pray that I find the right words when the time comes. What happened that night was the terrifying finally of 4 years of abuse. I try to present myself to the world as a survivor of domestic and sexual abuse but the truth is though the physical injuries have long since healed the emotional injuries are far from it.
Mr. Abuser told me that night if I went to the police he would "make me pay"
I haven't had a full nights sleep because the all too real nightmares haunt me. Some days I feel like i hate Abuser for what he has done to us
and then I remember that with out him my precious daughter would not be on this earth
then the anger and hate for him returns when i think of how easily he could have taken her life
that night or mine and left her with out a mother. I am constantly in a state of worry,
If something ever happens to me what happens to my little girl.
But I have to press on with my life and
do my best to not let fear consume me because I have the single most
important job in the world of raising XXXXX by myself to be a well adjusted child not
guided by fear and hate.
What Mr. Abuser did that night did not just effect me but has effected every
last person in our lives down to my 2.5 year old nephew who came up to me a few weeks later, put
his arm around me and said "Uncle Abuser hurt my aunt Amanda" He pats
my arm and in this protective voice well beyond his 2.5 years he tells me
"I'll never let him hurt you again" No child should have to feel he needs to protect an
adult.
Immediately after the crime XXXXX and I were forced to relocate and
move in with our Aunt. I now have a hour drive to and from work.
we had to leave all of friends and some family. Now again 10 months later we are
still feeling the effect as XXXXX and I have had to move again due to housing issues.
My daughter deserves a stable location. Most important though
All of XXXXX's special needs team had to be changed. My
Aunts have rearranged schedules so that they could watch XXXXX so I could financially
provide for her. My family has been a rock for me but his crime has them scared
for the life and future of my daughter and I.
I am a terrified for the day that Mr. Abuser is released from prison. I am asking that
there be no contact or third party contact from Abusers in order for my
daughter and I to have adiquit time to heal and move on with our lifes.
I also ask that he be made to attend Domestic Violence and Drug and Alcohol
Counseling.
What Abuser did his daughter and I was completely unacceptable. I wasn't perfect
but I did Not deserve to be physically attacked by him! XXXXX deserved to have a father who loved her, who cared for her and that she could trust and he betrayed that trust. Our daughter was born with special needs and we knew she would have challenging moments when she grew up WE were suppose to make that easier for her Instead he added more challenges to her life.
For that at this point I can't forgive him."

When I sat back in my chair my aunt had tears in her eyes. It broke my heart. My abusers lawyer speaks. Talking about how my abusers was using and that the victim tried to keep him off drugs. He agrees. My abuser then got his chance to speak. He spoke of how he changed in the 10 months he spent in jail. How he did a anger management course. He said we needed as her mother and father to have a relationship and had to learn how to heal in order to bring up our daughter. "It's all about forgiveness" he says. And I lean to my NOVA worker and i start crying. I want what he is saying to be true. I know his words are all an act I've heard them a thousand time after every beating but for the sake of our daughter I wanted it to be true. He talks about how he found sobriety in jail, so he's grateful for the time he was put away "PRAISE JESUS" he says. And the judge asks him if he has anything else he wants to say. "No" In my personal opinion the judge was giving him a opportunity to apologize.
The judge was about to speak but his mother raising her hand in the air interrupts. "can i say something as his mother" "No i don't need to hear from you" the judge says. Then he reconsiders and lets her speak. And of course we should have pulled out the violins. His father abused him and he's acting only as he knows; he felt trapped by her. The DA was awesome as he said. "Was he chained to the wall" "was there no front door" she's like no but his father wouldn't let him come home. EXCUSES!! It's all the blame game for that family. Then she goes on to how she hasn't seen her grand daughter since her 1st birthday party. That pissed me off more than anything ever. I have numerous emails where i asked her to see the baby and she always said... I'm too mad at you still to see her. The NOVA worker told me to calm down. But i was fuming. How could this woman put her hand on a the bible and LIE!
Anyway. It was time for sentencing. The judge was awesome. He said the cycle of domestic violence has got to end some where. This was done in front of a 1 year old little girl. This is a serious offense and you still continue to pass the blame to the victim. The judge then made it clear he knew of my abusers previous violent crimes. He then handed down the sentence. 7- 17 years in state prison followed by another 5 years probation. This is a huge victory against domestic abuser.
While we walking out the door I take one final glance my abuser. He looks me in the eyes and tell me "I'll be seeing you" One final threat from him..... And instead of getting scared I smiled. He can't hurt me anymore. And were all out in the hall now. The DA tells me He can't legally contact me for 22 years. I'll almost 50 years old!!! And were all smiling and hugging and his sister walks right past us and says "LIAR". And its not even worth acknowledging. He pleaded guilty. There was a ton of evidence if we went to trial. TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY. But it doesn't matter now.. because it over.
And i can say , NOW, from expirence to other woman. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP. YOU CAN GET HELP. DON'T BE AFRAID. YOU CAN DO IT. THE LAW IS ON YOUR SIDE!!!
It doesn't mean it isn't hard. In the past few days since his sentencing my car is dying, i found out i'm losing the place i'm living and i can't find a baby sitter for while i am at work. Life is down right hard but i know that it will work out. I know that no matter how hard it gets i will live to see tomorrow. i will live to see my daughter grown and i will live to make a better life for us.

3 day until S day

Its right around the corner. The VIS is done. I do plan to share it once this is all over. I am nervous and anxious. I am afraid but READY for this to be over.
People always comment on how my daughter looks just like me. "It's uncanny" that's the most used expression. With the exception of her beautiful blonde curls and this one facial expression. Of course the only facial expression she got from him was the one i pray she didn't. She's going through the terrible "almost" twos right now. So she's a big fan of hitting. When she hit me in the face the other day and looked at me with his face. It took me aback. Imagine a grown woman being afraid of a 21 month old. After a couple seconds of shock. I took her hands in mine. I said "Honey it's ok to be angry but it is never ok to hit" I put her hands on my face and said "Gentle Baby Gentle"
Gentle Baby Gentle.... I wish that worked with my abuser... sigh

it's coming..... again

The date has been set. We will be in court the middle of August for my abusers sentencing. I need to go back and work on my VIS. Things have changed since then and I think the judge needs to know. I can't believe it will almost 10 months since I've been free....

my heart hurts

and i sit here feeling cold and alone. the crying started again which makes me think im not too far from my period. good old PMS that stirs up all the pain and doubt that sits perfectly cocooned in my heart while my hormones are at bay. but it comes on with a force almost too strong to let go... its when i feel most alone. it when i know that i've made all the wrong choices in life. its when i know i continue to make bad choices. i don't respect myself. i don't love myself. i sell my self short. i hate that about me. i miss people i shouldn't miss, i fall for people i shouldn't fall for... but as i sit here thinking im wondering have i ever been in love? was the feeling i've felt for these men love at all... i look at my daughter and i know undoubtly i am in love with her. she's my world... she makes me a better person. i think to the way i love her and she loves me. how when i have a bad day and her whining is just grating on my nerves and i yell at her she looks upset that i yelled so i start crying and runs to me with open arms and kisses me and cuddles me... thats true love.. she accepts me 100% unconditionally. is that the way its suppose to be with a man? i think back to my past with men... not one of them has made me a better person... there has not been one time when my efforts have been returned. i struggle to impress i do everything to try and make them happy and yet when my day is bad do they return it... and in this very enlightening moment I can honestly say I have never been in love... ouch. why does that hurt so bad? Maybe because I realize that my life is getting shorter everyday everyday that passes is a day closer to my baby leaving me....then who will love me. unconditionally. 100%. all the time....

caught in the mirror

. I looked at my face and saw the scars above my eye. I had to laugh at first. The little scar that I got when I was a child fighting with my sister. That scar always brings a little giggle as I remember that fight. I squirted her with 409 cleaner so she hurled a small statue of Mary and baby Jesus at me... I was so afraid of getting blood on the carpets and on towels that I held my head over the sink until my dad came up to see what was going on. I remember saying don't yell at Danielle it was my fault... and it really was. I was such a instigator to my little sister. On the way to the hospital I said, "Mom, my head hurts" and she says, " well yeah that's to be expected" haha.
My smile faded quickly when I seen the long thin scar over my eyebrow. I remember. He was mad... really mad, and like some kind of animal he bit my forehead and when I started yelling he headbutted me so hard. I remember it hurt but I was more focused on the warmth I felt streaming down my face, it started to get into my eyes. I ran to the mirror, I looked like something out of a bad slasher movie. I remember. I haven't seen that much blood since my sister threw the statue at me. haha. The gash was pretty bad so a trip to the ER it was. They said they wanted to try to glue it back together. Why did I find this hysterical, I don't know. But i did! I walked out of the hospital with a black eye and glued head striped with steri strips... for some reason this got me laughing in the mirror again.

Womans Place Contact Info

Saying prayers today for a woman in a bad abusive situation.

A Woman's Place: www.awomansplace.org
(215) 345-7354

hurting... in tears... can't make them stop tonight.... i hurt from the very core of me.... EVERYBODY FUCKING LIES and I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!! I run to people when they need comfort of arms around them but when its me who needs it..... its all a lie..

There is good!

Just had to blog a quick one. So many of these post are so angry or hurt or sad. I am NOT always angry, hurt and sad. Recently I've had more good days then bad days. A real honest to God smile has returned to my face. I have an amazing daughter, a special friend, a wonderful family and awesome friends. Truly a wonderful support system!!
I am slowly being able to replace the bad memories with some good ones. Mother's day this year was so great! My birthday this year... there are no words. It was the most wonderful birthday I've had in a long time!!!!!
I want to be able to feel good things and write about it. I want to know there is life after abuse...

WTF!??!?!?!

Dude... WTF?! So I get a call on Monday from NOVA saying sentencing has been continued... So right off the bat I am PISSED! My mom flew in, people have taken off work, babysitters have been set up and FIRST AND FOREMOST its not just my abusers sentencing it was suppose to the day i got to close the chapter...so WHY?! Because HE never set up his Pysch Eval. That is so F'ed up. Why this jerk still gets to be in control is beyond me!
They tried to calm me down on the phone saying hey he's still in county jail and he won't be getting out before sentencing. So yeah I mean that is good he can't physically hurt us while he is in, but mentally this crap is beyond draining. And its not just me its my family, friends and work.
They estimate is should be somewhere near the end of June. I guess it gives me more time to work on my VIS so I'm gonna try and look as that as a positive thing. I am truly sorry to everyone who made plans to be there...

grrr i hate being afriad

Today I was having a pretty good day. Nothing to complain about the sun was shining and the weather was perfect so I would have rather been outside but aside from that things were great.
I was going about my work day when out of the corner of my eye I catch glimpse of a black shirt with thin grey stripes and blue jeans. I froze. The blood drained from face and I felt for a split second sheer terror. i didn't see the face just the outfit, he wore this one a lot. it was enough to evoke the pain. Finally the face appeared and I could breath again.
When am I gonna stop thinking my abuser is around every corner? He is locked up. I will be notified if he ever escapes or gets released so why am I still so afraid that he is gonna show up?
I hate this feeling with ever cell in my body. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I keep hoping that after he is sentenced I will feel some sense of relief. What if I don't??

An email I recieved today

Today I opened up my email and was pleasantly surprised by this message...

"I had an experience on Saturday that really made me think of you. I volunteered with an organization and gave manicures to women who are currently in battered womens shelters. It made me realize even more how strong you are, and how great of a mother you are to your daughter. I just wanted to share this with you :) Happy late mothers day!"
~XXXXXX

Mother's Day....2:05am

Mother's Day... a very special day for a mom. Like my mama told me everyone has a birthday but this is a special day for special moms. Last years mother days was unforgettable. My daughter had her first ride on the carousel. She was six months old dressed in adorable dress and I held her waist as the music and rides picked up speed. She giggled with delight I giggled right along with her. It was my first carousel ride as a mommy. My smile couldn't have been bigger. My abuser took us to Olive Garden for dinner. It was a really nice dinner at my favorite restaurant. There he gave me a very special present a locket in the shape of a heart with a mother embracing a daughter in it my daughters pictures. We didn't have much so that locket meant the world to me. he gave me a card that said what a great mother I was and how I would be his wife. It was day of heaven for me BUT Later that night after the baby was in bed I must have said or did something wrong because my abuser had his hands around my neck and then ripped the locket from my throat. He threw it and as I went to pick up the pieces and pictures in the locket the blow came from his fist to the back of my head. I sat on the kitchen floor crying, the physical pain wasn't severe but I remember clutching the piece of my broken locket in one hand and trying to hold together the piece of my broken heart.

"You worry too much"

I've spent the last month a nervous wreck, always fearful that i said or did the wrong thing. I fully understand why I would feel that way because the last four years of my life i was always told through words and actions "nothing you ever do is right!" I feel now everyday I hear "Relax Amanda your getting all upset for no reason" "you worry too much" I struggle with my thoughts. For all that time i played a part that wasn't me. I was the one who would watch those Lifetime movies and say "God those woman are just freakin' stupid" I'm so mixed up with how I feel about women in abusive relationships. I have a overwhelming empathy for them. It's so hard to stay but I also know its even harder to leave. A woman i know told me she was getting abused a couple of weeks ago. I told her I would help her get all the information so she could leave. "But I can't, I have no where to go, I'll lose everything" God how those words hit me. I remember them all too clearly. I told her everything material you will lose can be replaced in time. Your life is NOT replaceable. Once he takes that from you there is no coming back.
But she continues to stay. She tells me yesterday he kicked her and wants to show me the bruise. Filled with overwhelming anger I can't even look at her. I don't want to see your bruise I tell her with absolutely no sympathy. I am not trying to be bad friend I just don't know what to do. How can I help her? And in my heart of hearts I know I can't help her until she is ready to be help.

how long?

I was goofing off with a guy friend of mine the other day,we were laughing and just kind of play fighting and having a good time. He raised his hand and all of a sudden I felt this crazy terror. I guess they call it a flash back. He saw it in my eyes before I even realize what was going on. "I'm sorry, You Look so scared." I know he would never hit me. I felt so stupid. I am grateful that he understood but at the same time so freaking pissed off that i reacted that way i did.
How long is it going to be until i am not scared anymore?

Anxiety

I feel anxious a lot anymore. I struggle to find balance in my very unbalanced world. My heart aches when things feel out of place and unfortunately I always feel a little out of place. Uncomfortable, Uncertain. A very wise friend tells me, "What do you expect you have been conditioned for years to believe that the littlest thing you do will result in physical or mental abuse"
So how do I change this conditioning? That is the question of the day. How do I stabilize? The question comes again "Why do woman stay with abusers" And the answer is so obviously clear to me. Even though you don't always know what will set them off you know the worst possible thing that could happen that day is a beating, possibly death. Your heard is breaking all the time and you start to forget the difference between a happy heart and a broken heart.
After leaving an abuser and starting to involve yourself in a non abusive situation you are filled with uncertainty. The worse possible thing is no longer how bad the physical bruises are gonna be but how bad will the heart break feel. It's like your always waiting for the ball to drop.

*Court and beyond

*Court was Monday 4/12/2010. I've started this post a million times but i wasn't ready to share it until now.

Pulling into the court parking lot I seen them. The mother and sister. I never in my life thought I would feel the feelings I felt seeing them. The sister who spews hate into the world and The mother who created the monster. I felt sick and angry just seeing their faces.
And then my the face of my friends and my aunt, my court advocate and a woman from the domestic abuse place. The people who help to hold my heart and head together. The faces of hope.

Then it was time... time to face my abuser. With my one friend looking into my eyes trying to calm my fears while the other had his hand on my shoulders. "it's going to be ok, don't look at him" But I couldn't help it. I looked and everything inside me went weak. I couldn't breath. There he was dressed in a yellow jump suit and new white shoes. Panic Breaths. A words from everyone around me. "He can't hurt you" "do you want to leave the courtroom" "Come on lets step outside" and then were moving I'm circled by the people who love me and I still feel so unsafe. Outside the court room the tears are flowing. I wasn't prepared to face my abuser like i thought i was. My aunt's arms are around me and she's looking into my eyes. "it's ok, he can't hurt you, smile and relax this is your day" But suddenly I don't want it to be my day. I want to run. But the support is overwhelming. After awhile we go back inside. I catch his face and........

"Your dead. Your dead!" the words my abuser mouthed to me in the court room right after he winked at me and then looked at me with the same expression on his face that he had when he would beat me. What a fool I felt I was when my heart went into my throat as my stomach dropped to the floor and the flood gates opened in my eyes... I was afraid. My abuser was handcuffed to 10 different inmates surrounded by guards and I was still terrified. When he has something set in his mind to do, especially a crime HE WILL DO IT!.with his hands he makes a sign. I thought he was saying 10 to 2. I didn't understand. I was confused. I asked my friend what it means. I got it wrong. It's 2 to 10. 2 to 10 the time he thinks he will be getting. What he meant was in 2 years he will be getting out and coming after me.
I sat then eyes forward focused on the judge. Occasionally i would peak and he would be staring with a grin on his face or mouthing something to my friends.My advocate is out the door tracking down the ADA.
. The judge asked that the specifics of the case be read and when they read "her neck and breasts were bruised as a result of the attack" They laughed. What the hell is so funny. God did I want to stand up and SCREAM! But I sat there and listened waiting for the judge the sentence. Only the judge never sentenced. The judge deferred sentencing pending a pysch eval.
Then the judge addressed me. "Ms R you may get up and read your statement or you can come back and read it so it is fresh in my mind"
"Thank you sir I will be back to read it to you at his sentencing"
"Thank you for being her Ms. R"
And like that its over. We are out of the court room and hugs are coming from all around. "You did great"
I didn't feel like i did great. I lost it in there. "its rare the judge wants a victim to come back and read their statement at a later date. this is a really good thing" Comments are coming from all around but I feel outside myself.
This was the day I was suppose to be closing a chapter in my life, instead the book is being held open the pages no longer able to turn for up to three months.
There is no more to said. My friends are angry at the blatant lack of remorse my abuser showed. I hugged them and thanked them for being there.
In the car I check my phone and the texts had poured in while I was in court. "Good Luck Sweety" "don't forget I am with you" " You are a strong women make it through this and you'll make it through anything"
There are phone calls to be made. People disappointed voices are all around. We were all waiting to close this chapter. And then the voice that makes everything ok is on my phone and for the first time that day I am manage a REAL smile. Thank you for that.
I come home to my beautiful daughter playing in the front yard. Her smile is contagious as she runs into my arms. Her face. The face of innocence and beauty. How could something so amazing be a part of him. But she is, if only by genes she is.
The days following are tough. My abusers family is harassing my friends and friend of my friends. I feel guilty for having them come with me to court. I try to stuff the pain down but it simmers and boils over. Everyone is feeling it no matter how well i try to conceal it. My daughter is acting out. She's inherited my gift/curse of feeling EVERYTHING. I am losing it. It feels impossible. Damn him for leaving me to raise this child on my own while he had no responsibilities. DAMN HIM TO HELL For what he has done to us.
I am at my wits end and I call my mom. I break down everything that is inside of me. I CAN'T DO THIS. I can't take care of her when I see him in her. I leave early for work and visit a friend. I go in circles and finally the truth comes out. How can i resent the one person who loves me unconditionally. My daughter saved my life. I love her more than life itself. I am allowed to feel pain but I am not allowed to wallow. I need to be a good mother but I don't have to be a perfect mother. I think for the first time since court. I will be ok. My daughter will be ok. WE WILL BE OK because we have each other and amazing supportive people in our lives.

God I feel tired, the last 6 months of not sleeping is catching up with me. i am with my friend and I fall asleep. I dream. I am not ready to share this dream yet but I wake up disoriented for a minute trying to focus the room and reality. I realize there are arms holding me tight and protectively. My abuser may come after one day but today is not that day. For tonight I know I am safe.

broken

tonight i feel broken and defeated. i hate that jerk for what he did to me. i hate that i am awake and can't sleep. I hate that i haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in 6 months. i hate that i am sitting here crying and stuffy. i hate that the only time i can really cry is alone when everybody is asleep or when the water running in the shower will hide my sobs. I hate that I want to share my tears but can't. i hate that i want to be held and comforted and told everything will be ok. i hate that i change the subject or joke whenever someone gives me the opportunity to talk about it. I hate this. i hate it from the core of my soul... i hate him. but most importantly tonight at this moment i hate myself for becoming a victim.

It's Coming

As the days draw closer my sleep has become pretty much none existent. I am forever working and changing my VIS for court. I feel like no matter what I say or how I say it won't come out good enough. I am just pray that reading this out loud in front of a whole court room will let me start the healing process.
The other day I was out with a friend of mine and for the first time in a long time I talked about the specifics of the abuse. I cried a little. I felt really bad. But it was weird the person I was talking to didn't get mad. They just listened. It was a strange feeling me. To no be judge and to be able to safely talk about my feelings.

Court is coming

One week from today I will be facing my abuser in the courtroom. I am scared. He clearly has stated he has no remorse for his crimes. No REGRETS he says. NO REGRETS! Your daughter was in the next room that night... and you have no regrets?! It makes me angry. It also makes me very sad. How could I have not left this monster years ago. But If I left I wouldn't have the one person who means everything to me, My daughter. The ugly, sad truth is with out her his hands would have murdered me. My brain is not so good anymore. I forget things easily and why? Because my abuser would punch me in the head and shove my head into walls. He would squeeze my neck until I got no air and would sometimes pass out. It's funny I would hide (aka pretend to be sick from work) until the hand prints around my neck would fade. Once There was a picture taken I was about 35 weeks pregnant and a picture was taken. In the picture you can see the bruises on my neck people who seen the picture said, "Look at that so far along and still getting frisky" I would weakly smile amd agree but inside i was SCREAMING HE HURT ME! Why CAN'T YOU SEE HE HURT ME" I found that picture when I was moving out of our home. He wrote on the back "What Happened to us? We used to be so happy" DENIAL MUCH?! Even though I knew he would never see the picture again I circled the bruise around my neck and wrote THIS HAPPENED TO US... YOU HURT ME!
The survivor feels like a victim tonight and I don't like this feeling. I don't deserve this feeling. I DEMAND A BETTER FUTURE!

Hope Beyond

Isolation. An abuser will always try to isolate you. If someone knows to much somehow an abuser will find a way to shut them out. When someone tries to help you and abuser will find a way to twist it until the person trying to help looks bad. By the time you gather your strength to leave you will wonder can i trust anybody?
There is hope beyond abuse. I've recently been learning that just because I was abused it does not make me "damaged good" That someone out there will like me just for being me. That I can laugh and smile and that I don't know have to be afraid.

Insecurities

I am by nature a over thinker. I am thinking that going through the abuse it has heightened my senses. I am jumpy and nervous. I have so many nervous habits it disgusting. I jump at the slightest creak in the floor boards. I am afraid that everything i do and say will be wrong. It's so funny the ups and downs. One minute I am confident. I feel lucky and strong and so proud the next minute I am paranoid and afraid. While I was with my abuser eggshells were my floor. I didn't call or talk enough or i called or talked way to much... where was the middle ground? I am still struggling to find a middle ground.

You (can't) kill(ed) my spirit

After a particularly bad beating one day my abuser started showing his remorse like he did most of the time i told him "You are killing my spirit" I wish I knew then what i know now. The fact is the second those words left my mouth I should have packed up and got the hell out! But I stayed on and endured more. With ever attack a little more of me died away. There was a time I didn't know if I would ever know who I was again. In the last 5 months I have gotten to know me and I realize I am pretty awesome. I know I deserve happiness. Happiness and Love does not come via physical attacks but rather the feeling of safety and security. The hands of the person you love should never hurt.

Overload

My brain is so overloaded right now. Can't process all the feelings I am feeling. Don't like that feeling to much. Trying to remember FEELINGS AREN'T FACT.

"i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape"

LIAR, KILLER(?), DEMON!

My abuser always used to say," I don't know what is about you. I've never put my hands on another female." It used to kill me inside. What was it about me that would make him want to hit me? Maybe I do deserve this. While I am deeply sadden by the news I found out not too long ago I am also relieved. What he said was entirely UNTRUE! He did put his hands on another female. He beat his former girlfriend. She was smarter than me though When she left, she left for good never giving him a second chance.
He took me to the grave site of his stillborn baby once before we even started dating. Finding this out make me wonder is it his fault that baby is dead? The thought sickens me to the core.
When he would beat on me his eyes would turn dark and his face would twist up. When he beat on me he wasn't the guy I loved, he was like something out of a horror film. And when it was over his face would go soft and his eyes would well with tears and no matter how bruised or bloody I was somehow I always found myself trying to comfort him. Now I wonder was it all an act? Is he even human or is he a demon?

untitled.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Why Can't they understand??

When his family lashes out at me it hurts for this one reason: You see I did love him. I had a child with him and even though he used his fist there were periods of good times when we had hopes and dreams and plans. When I had to make the choice to call the police I also made the choice to do away with any hope for having a complete family. With his final beating I realized for the first time that all my hopes and dreams for our family would never come to light. I had to start thinking with my head and stop thinking with my heart. My heart believed that someday with enough love and encouragement the beatings would stop and we could start to heal and we could be a family. My head knew differently. That I could never give him enough. Every time I completed one thing that he said would make him less stressed and all better there was another thing that made hm angry. I couldn't win. Why can't they see its not just their family that is hurting and angry?

truth in words

"Domestic Violence feeds off of silence,my presence here speaks out"

“Nobody believes that domestic violence kills and nobody believes it is detrimental to children. This world has got to wake up. To me, if there is domestic violence, if the children see it or hear it, that to me is detrimental. Batterers should not have rights to children.” -Denise Brown

"When I am asked why a man/woman doesn’t leave abuser I say: They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving." Rebecca J. Burns

"To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed." Lynn Mari

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because, as has been said, it is the quality which guarantees all others. -Winston Churchill


“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” -Charles Jones

A Family of Abusers

I am finally starting to heal after nearly 4 months. I still wake up screaming from nightmares if I don't fall asleep completely exhausted but aside from that my heart seems to be on the mend.
For a long time I wondered if I did the right thing by calling the police that night. I think that you start to feel sympathy for your abuser. That you think if "I could just give him more love, more understanding he can get better." I've held on to that for a long time. But I had no more to give. Today more than ever I realized that nothing that anyone could give him will help him to change. He comes from a family of abusers. When he got locked up the Abuse didn't stop. Yes HE no longer could physically,mentally or verbally abuse me anymore he just passed the torch to his family. His family lashes out in ridiculous verbal assaults. If I hear "You pushed his buttons, You made him abuse you and set the fire" I will scream!! Seriously do you know how ridiculous you sound.
They make sure to throw in my face that my daughter is a >insert sperm donors last name here< every chance they get. Well... let me tell you The only thing he ever did was trigger too soon and shoot his load and one of his little guys made it to the target and boom conception! THAT DOES NOT MAKE HER A >insert sperm donors last name here< I CARRIED HER FOR 38 weeks 1 day. IT WAS MY BODY THAT PROTECTED & NOURISHED HER IT WAS MY HEARTBEAT THAT SHE HEARD AND FELT FROM THE INSIDE, IT WAS INSIDE ME THAT FELT ALL THOSE LITTLE KICKS AND STRETCHS AND HEAD BUTTS AND HICCUPS. IT WAS ME WHO WENT THROUGH 10 HOUR OF LABOR TO BRING HER INTO THIS WORLD. IT WAS MY BREAST SHE NURSED FROM...IT WAS ME WHO TOOK CARE OF HER ALONE from the moment I was pregnant until now and for the rest of her life. Her name that I CHOOSE for her means Little Poet. Her middle name was her Great Grandmothers name. The kindest, most patient person I have ever met.. Your Last name means NOTHING! It was not chosen it was given because they handed me papers to sign while I was in labor!
As for saying that all the women that have supported me, been like sisters to me and love my daughter unconditionally aren't her REAL Aunts..MOOT!!! They are more her aunts then YOU COULD EVER BE!!!
Your WHOLE family abuses...Do yourselves a HUGE favor and just start victimizing each other because my daughter and I are no longer available... Starting this minute your words mean NOTHING!!!
I will however continue praying for the >insert sperm donors last name here< family. It seems their only hope is a seriously intervention from The Big Guy!

The opening Post

This blog is about my journey as a domestic abuse victim survivor. Not all post will be pretty but this is me exposed and raw. This will be the place I can say anything. I am creating this blog for a few reason. . I want NEED to have a place to get out my true feelings, the stuff that is just too harmful to keep inside anymore. My hope is just one person will see this and make the choice to leave a violent relationship. Love should never hurt and if it does IT'S NOT LOVE! The process is far from easy but so far has been completely worth it.
The facts are I am Amanda, I am a 26 year old domestic/sexual abuse survivor. I have a 15 month old daughter who just turn 1 year old when I fled from the relationship. The facts are I am Mommy first and foremost and not ready to be her Angel!