Tuesday, November 23, 2010


i sat down and i soul searched... my mom always said when you just can't seem to figure something out.... soul search. So the question at hand... Why do I always end up with men who can't commit and/or treat me badly?
I guess I didn't want to play the blame game. What I came up is totally cliche and I hate that this could be the reason but its the only reason that fit.
As kids my dad never let us get too close to him. He was always afraid he was gonna die young like his dad so as he explained it he didn't want us to get close so it wouldn't hurt us as much if he died young. When we hit 18 or so the relationship with my father had drastically improved. I love my dad very very much and I know that he loves me very very much. I know that his intentions were based on love but they were also based on fear. i think i buried it deep in my brain I think thats why I attract the men I do. Its comfortable, its what i am used too.
So how do i change this pattern? My thoughts... #1 Acknowledging and accepting what happened. I think a big part of that was also having my mom acknowledge that this could be a reason. At 27 years old I still crave my parents approval. When I talked to my mom about my thoughts she didn't make me feel bad for bringing this idea to the table. She acknowledged it could be a very valid reason.
#2 Forgiveness. This is something I am having a difficult time with. I love my dad and don't blame him so how is possible to forgive someone that you love so much with out placing blame. I think being a parent actually makes this process a little more difficult. i realize that as a parent we make mistakes. We do everything we can to protect our children but parents are not perfect. So the forgiveness I think may have already happened it could just be putting all the pieces together at this part.
#3 Moving on. That is were i am at now. Ok Dad made mistakes, I've made mistakes But My father loves me and I love my father. I love my daughter, my daughter loves me SO to me that means its time I love myself. My thought process being if I can love myself I can be comfortable with myself, If Im comfortable with myself I won't be looking so hard leaving the door open for something positive to happen...
So heres to new beginnings... Look and you'll find yourself... its hard... it hurts like hell but its possible... if your reading this blog and your in a situation keep remembering you are a survivor. You are an amazing woman. You don't deserve to only have half a person... Please Remember two halves of people don't make a whole person. Don't hate yourself for the mistakes you've made, love yourself for the person you are, the lives you've touched, the positive you've brought to this world... You are special, you are beautiful, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

Friday, November 5, 2010

we need to becareful

I think after leaving an abuser you get this over whelming high. for a minute you feel like you can take on the world. You believe that because you got the greatest evil in your life that it can't happen again. And then what do you do End up with the same exact type of person. Maybe this one doesn't physically abuse you but you end up in this loop of picking the same kind of person who can't be emotionally available. Than you feel stuck again. We need to find the root. We need to figure out why we are continually attracting this type of man. So I challenge myself to figure out why. i guess the first place to start is some kind of therapy. I don't think i can figure it out on my own. I think whenever I get close too figuring out why I pretend everything is a ok because I am scared. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to know why so i can change it. So i can become a better person so i can pick a person who will love me just for who i am... a person that CAN love me.