Tuesday, June 29, 2010

my heart hurts

and i sit here feeling cold and alone. the crying started again which makes me think im not too far from my period. good old PMS that stirs up all the pain and doubt that sits perfectly cocooned in my heart while my hormones are at bay. but it comes on with a force almost too strong to let go... its when i feel most alone. it when i know that i've made all the wrong choices in life. its when i know i continue to make bad choices. i don't respect myself. i don't love myself. i sell my self short. i hate that about me. i miss people i shouldn't miss, i fall for people i shouldn't fall for... but as i sit here thinking im wondering have i ever been in love? was the feeling i've felt for these men love at all... i look at my daughter and i know undoubtly i am in love with her. she's my world... she makes me a better person. i think to the way i love her and she loves me. how when i have a bad day and her whining is just grating on my nerves and i yell at her she looks upset that i yelled so i start crying and runs to me with open arms and kisses me and cuddles me... thats true love.. she accepts me 100% unconditionally. is that the way its suppose to be with a man? i think back to my past with men... not one of them has made me a better person... there has not been one time when my efforts have been returned. i struggle to impress i do everything to try and make them happy and yet when my day is bad do they return it... and in this very enlightening moment I can honestly say I have never been in love... ouch. why does that hurt so bad? Maybe because I realize that my life is getting shorter everyday everyday that passes is a day closer to my baby leaving me....then who will love me. unconditionally. 100%. all the time....

Saturday, June 12, 2010

caught in the mirror

. I looked at my face and saw the scars above my eye. I had to laugh at first. The little scar that I got when I was a child fighting with my sister. That scar always brings a little giggle as I remember that fight. I squirted her with 409 cleaner so she hurled a small statue of Mary and baby Jesus at me... I was so afraid of getting blood on the carpets and on towels that I held my head over the sink until my dad came up to see what was going on. I remember saying don't yell at Danielle it was my fault... and it really was. I was such a instigator to my little sister. On the way to the hospital I said, "Mom, my head hurts" and she says, " well yeah that's to be expected" haha.
My smile faded quickly when I seen the long thin scar over my eyebrow. I remember. He was mad... really mad, and like some kind of animal he bit my forehead and when I started yelling he headbutted me so hard. I remember it hurt but I was more focused on the warmth I felt streaming down my face, it started to get into my eyes. I ran to the mirror, I looked like something out of a bad slasher movie. I remember. I haven't seen that much blood since my sister threw the statue at me. haha. The gash was pretty bad so a trip to the ER it was. They said they wanted to try to glue it back together. Why did I find this hysterical, I don't know. But i did! I walked out of the hospital with a black eye and glued head striped with steri strips... for some reason this got me laughing in the mirror again.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Womans Place Contact Info

Saying prayers today for a woman in a bad abusive situation.

A Woman's Place: www.awomansplace.org
(215) 345-7354