Insecurities

I am by nature a over thinker. I am thinking that going through the abuse it has heightened my senses. I am jumpy and nervous. I have so many nervous habits it disgusting. I jump at the slightest creak in the floor boards. I am afraid that everything i do and say will be wrong. It's so funny the ups and downs. One minute I am confident. I feel lucky and strong and so proud the next minute I am paranoid and afraid. While I was with my abuser eggshells were my floor. I didn't call or talk enough or i called or talked way to much... where was the middle ground? I am still struggling to find a middle ground.

You (can't) kill(ed) my spirit

After a particularly bad beating one day my abuser started showing his remorse like he did most of the time i told him "You are killing my spirit" I wish I knew then what i know now. The fact is the second those words left my mouth I should have packed up and got the hell out! But I stayed on and endured more. With ever attack a little more of me died away. There was a time I didn't know if I would ever know who I was again. In the last 5 months I have gotten to know me and I realize I am pretty awesome. I know I deserve happiness. Happiness and Love does not come via physical attacks but rather the feeling of safety and security. The hands of the person you love should never hurt.

Overload

My brain is so overloaded right now. Can't process all the feelings I am feeling. Don't like that feeling to much. Trying to remember FEELINGS AREN'T FACT.

"i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape"

LIAR, KILLER(?), DEMON!

My abuser always used to say," I don't know what is about you. I've never put my hands on another female." It used to kill me inside. What was it about me that would make him want to hit me? Maybe I do deserve this. While I am deeply sadden by the news I found out not too long ago I am also relieved. What he said was entirely UNTRUE! He did put his hands on another female. He beat his former girlfriend. She was smarter than me though When she left, she left for good never giving him a second chance.
He took me to the grave site of his stillborn baby once before we even started dating. Finding this out make me wonder is it his fault that baby is dead? The thought sickens me to the core.
When he would beat on me his eyes would turn dark and his face would twist up. When he beat on me he wasn't the guy I loved, he was like something out of a horror film. And when it was over his face would go soft and his eyes would well with tears and no matter how bruised or bloody I was somehow I always found myself trying to comfort him. Now I wonder was it all an act? Is he even human or is he a demon?