hurting... in tears... can't make them stop tonight.... i hurt from the very core of me.... EVERYBODY FUCKING LIES and I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!! I run to people when they need comfort of arms around them but when its me who needs it..... its all a lie..

There is good!

Just had to blog a quick one. So many of these post are so angry or hurt or sad. I am NOT always angry, hurt and sad. Recently I've had more good days then bad days. A real honest to God smile has returned to my face. I have an amazing daughter, a special friend, a wonderful family and awesome friends. Truly a wonderful support system!!
I am slowly being able to replace the bad memories with some good ones. Mother's day this year was so great! My birthday this year... there are no words. It was the most wonderful birthday I've had in a long time!!!!!
I want to be able to feel good things and write about it. I want to know there is life after abuse...

WTF!??!?!?!

Dude... WTF?! So I get a call on Monday from NOVA saying sentencing has been continued... So right off the bat I am PISSED! My mom flew in, people have taken off work, babysitters have been set up and FIRST AND FOREMOST its not just my abusers sentencing it was suppose to the day i got to close the chapter...so WHY?! Because HE never set up his Pysch Eval. That is so F'ed up. Why this jerk still gets to be in control is beyond me!
They tried to calm me down on the phone saying hey he's still in county jail and he won't be getting out before sentencing. So yeah I mean that is good he can't physically hurt us while he is in, but mentally this crap is beyond draining. And its not just me its my family, friends and work.
They estimate is should be somewhere near the end of June. I guess it gives me more time to work on my VIS so I'm gonna try and look as that as a positive thing. I am truly sorry to everyone who made plans to be there...

grrr i hate being afriad

Today I was having a pretty good day. Nothing to complain about the sun was shining and the weather was perfect so I would have rather been outside but aside from that things were great.
I was going about my work day when out of the corner of my eye I catch glimpse of a black shirt with thin grey stripes and blue jeans. I froze. The blood drained from face and I felt for a split second sheer terror. i didn't see the face just the outfit, he wore this one a lot. it was enough to evoke the pain. Finally the face appeared and I could breath again.
When am I gonna stop thinking my abuser is around every corner? He is locked up. I will be notified if he ever escapes or gets released so why am I still so afraid that he is gonna show up?
I hate this feeling with ever cell in my body. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I keep hoping that after he is sentenced I will feel some sense of relief. What if I don't??

An email I recieved today

Today I opened up my email and was pleasantly surprised by this message...

"I had an experience on Saturday that really made me think of you. I volunteered with an organization and gave manicures to women who are currently in battered womens shelters. It made me realize even more how strong you are, and how great of a mother you are to your daughter. I just wanted to share this with you :) Happy late mothers day!"
~XXXXXX

Mother's Day....2:05am

Mother's Day... a very special day for a mom. Like my mama told me everyone has a birthday but this is a special day for special moms. Last years mother days was unforgettable. My daughter had her first ride on the carousel. She was six months old dressed in adorable dress and I held her waist as the music and rides picked up speed. She giggled with delight I giggled right along with her. It was my first carousel ride as a mommy. My smile couldn't have been bigger. My abuser took us to Olive Garden for dinner. It was a really nice dinner at my favorite restaurant. There he gave me a very special present a locket in the shape of a heart with a mother embracing a daughter in it my daughters pictures. We didn't have much so that locket meant the world to me. he gave me a card that said what a great mother I was and how I would be his wife. It was day of heaven for me BUT Later that night after the baby was in bed I must have said or did something wrong because my abuser had his hands around my neck and then ripped the locket from my throat. He threw it and as I went to pick up the pieces and pictures in the locket the blow came from his fist to the back of my head. I sat on the kitchen floor crying, the physical pain wasn't severe but I remember clutching the piece of my broken locket in one hand and trying to hold together the piece of my broken heart.

"You worry too much"

I've spent the last month a nervous wreck, always fearful that i said or did the wrong thing. I fully understand why I would feel that way because the last four years of my life i was always told through words and actions "nothing you ever do is right!" I feel now everyday I hear "Relax Amanda your getting all upset for no reason" "you worry too much" I struggle with my thoughts. For all that time i played a part that wasn't me. I was the one who would watch those Lifetime movies and say "God those woman are just freakin' stupid" I'm so mixed up with how I feel about women in abusive relationships. I have a overwhelming empathy for them. It's so hard to stay but I also know its even harder to leave. A woman i know told me she was getting abused a couple of weeks ago. I told her I would help her get all the information so she could leave. "But I can't, I have no where to go, I'll lose everything" God how those words hit me. I remember them all too clearly. I told her everything material you will lose can be replaced in time. Your life is NOT replaceable. Once he takes that from you there is no coming back.
But she continues to stay. She tells me yesterday he kicked her and wants to show me the bruise. Filled with overwhelming anger I can't even look at her. I don't want to see your bruise I tell her with absolutely no sympathy. I am not trying to be bad friend I just don't know what to do. How can I help her? And in my heart of hearts I know I can't help her until she is ready to be help.