Monday, May 3, 2010

"You worry too much"

I've spent the last month a nervous wreck, always fearful that i said or did the wrong thing. I fully understand why I would feel that way because the last four years of my life i was always told through words and actions "nothing you ever do is right!" I feel now everyday I hear "Relax Amanda your getting all upset for no reason" "you worry too much" I struggle with my thoughts. For all that time i played a part that wasn't me. I was the one who would watch those Lifetime movies and say "God those woman are just freakin' stupid" I'm so mixed up with how I feel about women in abusive relationships. I have a overwhelming empathy for them. It's so hard to stay but I also know its even harder to leave. A woman i know told me she was getting abused a couple of weeks ago. I told her I would help her get all the information so she could leave. "But I can't, I have no where to go, I'll lose everything" God how those words hit me. I remember them all too clearly. I told her everything material you will lose can be replaced in time. Your life is NOT replaceable. Once he takes that from you there is no coming back.
But she continues to stay. She tells me yesterday he kicked her and wants to show me the bruise. Filled with overwhelming anger I can't even look at her. I don't want to see your bruise I tell her with absolutely no sympathy. I am not trying to be bad friend I just don't know what to do. How can I help her? And in my heart of hearts I know I can't help her until she is ready to be help.

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