Tuesday, February 23, 2010


God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.


Saturday, February 20, 2010

Why Can't they understand??

When his family lashes out at me it hurts for this one reason: You see I did love him. I had a child with him and even though he used his fist there were periods of good times when we had hopes and dreams and plans. When I had to make the choice to call the police I also made the choice to do away with any hope for having a complete family. With his final beating I realized for the first time that all my hopes and dreams for our family would never come to light. I had to start thinking with my head and stop thinking with my heart. My heart believed that someday with enough love and encouragement the beatings would stop and we could start to heal and we could be a family. My head knew differently. That I could never give him enough. Every time I completed one thing that he said would make him less stressed and all better there was another thing that made hm angry. I couldn't win. Why can't they see its not just their family that is hurting and angry?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

truth in words

"Domestic Violence feeds off of silence,my presence here speaks out"

“Nobody believes that domestic violence kills and nobody believes it is detrimental to children. This world has got to wake up. To me, if there is domestic violence, if the children see it or hear it, that to me is detrimental. Batterers should not have rights to children.” -Denise Brown

"When I am asked why a man/woman doesn’t leave abuser I say: They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving." Rebecca J. Burns

"To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed." Lynn Mari

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because, as has been said, it is the quality which guarantees all others. -Winston Churchill

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” -Charles Jones

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Family of Abusers

I am finally starting to heal after nearly 4 months. I still wake up screaming from nightmares if I don't fall asleep completely exhausted but aside from that my heart seems to be on the mend.
For a long time I wondered if I did the right thing by calling the police that night. I think that you start to feel sympathy for your abuser. That you think if "I could just give him more love, more understanding he can get better." I've held on to that for a long time. But I had no more to give. Today more than ever I realized that nothing that anyone could give him will help him to change. He comes from a family of abusers. When he got locked up the Abuse didn't stop. Yes HE no longer could physically,mentally or verbally abuse me anymore he just passed the torch to his family. His family lashes out in ridiculous verbal assaults. If I hear "You pushed his buttons, You made him abuse you and set the fire" I will scream!! Seriously do you know how ridiculous you sound.
They make sure to throw in my face that my daughter is a >insert sperm donors last name here< every chance they get. Well... let me tell you The only thing he ever did was trigger too soon and shoot his load and one of his little guys made it to the target and boom conception! THAT DOES NOT MAKE HER A >insert sperm donors last name here< I CARRIED HER FOR 38 weeks 1 day. IT WAS MY BODY THAT PROTECTED & NOURISHED HER IT WAS MY HEARTBEAT THAT SHE HEARD AND FELT FROM THE INSIDE, IT WAS INSIDE ME THAT FELT ALL THOSE LITTLE KICKS AND STRETCHS AND HEAD BUTTS AND HICCUPS. IT WAS ME WHO WENT THROUGH 10 HOUR OF LABOR TO BRING HER INTO THIS WORLD. IT WAS MY BREAST SHE NURSED FROM...IT WAS ME WHO TOOK CARE OF HER ALONE from the moment I was pregnant until now and for the rest of her life. Her name that I CHOOSE for her means Little Poet. Her middle name was her Great Grandmothers name. The kindest, most patient person I have ever met.. Your Last name means NOTHING! It was not chosen it was given because they handed me papers to sign while I was in labor!
As for saying that all the women that have supported me, been like sisters to me and love my daughter unconditionally aren't her REAL Aunts..MOOT!!! They are more her aunts then YOU COULD EVER BE!!!
Your WHOLE family abuses...Do yourselves a HUGE favor and just start victimizing each other because my daughter and I are no longer available... Starting this minute your words mean NOTHING!!!
I will however continue praying for the >insert sperm donors last name here< family. It seems their only hope is a seriously intervention from The Big Guy!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The opening Post

This blog is about my journey as a domestic abuse victim survivor. Not all post will be pretty but this is me exposed and raw. This will be the place I can say anything. I am creating this blog for a few reason. . I want NEED to have a place to get out my true feelings, the stuff that is just too harmful to keep inside anymore. My hope is just one person will see this and make the choice to leave a violent relationship. Love should never hurt and if it does IT'S NOT LOVE! The process is far from easy but so far has been completely worth it.
The facts are I am Amanda, I am a 26 year old domestic/sexual abuse survivor. I have a 15 month old daughter who just turn 1 year old when I fled from the relationship. The facts are I am Mommy first and foremost and not ready to be her Angel!