Tuesday, June 29, 2010

my heart hurts

and i sit here feeling cold and alone. the crying started again which makes me think im not too far from my period. good old PMS that stirs up all the pain and doubt that sits perfectly cocooned in my heart while my hormones are at bay. but it comes on with a force almost too strong to let go... its when i feel most alone. it when i know that i've made all the wrong choices in life. its when i know i continue to make bad choices. i don't respect myself. i don't love myself. i sell my self short. i hate that about me. i miss people i shouldn't miss, i fall for people i shouldn't fall for... but as i sit here thinking im wondering have i ever been in love? was the feeling i've felt for these men love at all... i look at my daughter and i know undoubtly i am in love with her. she's my world... she makes me a better person. i think to the way i love her and she loves me. how when i have a bad day and her whining is just grating on my nerves and i yell at her she looks upset that i yelled so i start crying and runs to me with open arms and kisses me and cuddles me... thats true love.. she accepts me 100% unconditionally. is that the way its suppose to be with a man? i think back to my past with men... not one of them has made me a better person... there has not been one time when my efforts have been returned. i struggle to impress i do everything to try and make them happy and yet when my day is bad do they return it... and in this very enlightening moment I can honestly say I have never been in love... ouch. why does that hurt so bad? Maybe because I realize that my life is getting shorter everyday everyday that passes is a day closer to my baby leaving me....then who will love me. unconditionally. 100%. all the time....

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