Monday, April 19, 2010


I feel anxious a lot anymore. I struggle to find balance in my very unbalanced world. My heart aches when things feel out of place and unfortunately I always feel a little out of place. Uncomfortable, Uncertain. A very wise friend tells me, "What do you expect you have been conditioned for years to believe that the littlest thing you do will result in physical or mental abuse"
So how do I change this conditioning? That is the question of the day. How do I stabilize? The question comes again "Why do woman stay with abusers" And the answer is so obviously clear to me. Even though you don't always know what will set them off you know the worst possible thing that could happen that day is a beating, possibly death. Your heard is breaking all the time and you start to forget the difference between a happy heart and a broken heart.
After leaving an abuser and starting to involve yourself in a non abusive situation you are filled with uncertainty. The worse possible thing is no longer how bad the physical bruises are gonna be but how bad will the heart break feel. It's like your always waiting for the ball to drop.

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