broken

tonight i feel broken and defeated. i hate that jerk for what he did to me. i hate that i am awake and can't sleep. I hate that i haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in 6 months. i hate that i am sitting here crying and stuffy. i hate that the only time i can really cry is alone when everybody is asleep or when the water running in the shower will hide my sobs. I hate that I want to share my tears but can't. i hate that i want to be held and comforted and told everything will be ok. i hate that i change the subject or joke whenever someone gives me the opportunity to talk about it. I hate this. i hate it from the core of my soul... i hate him. but most importantly tonight at this moment i hate myself for becoming a victim.