Insecurities

I am by nature a over thinker. I am thinking that going through the abuse it has heightened my senses. I am jumpy and nervous. I have so many nervous habits it disgusting. I jump at the slightest creak in the floor boards. I am afraid that everything i do and say will be wrong. It's so funny the ups and downs. One minute I am confident. I feel lucky and strong and so proud the next minute I am paranoid and afraid. While I was with my abuser eggshells were my floor. I didn't call or talk enough or i called or talked way to much... where was the middle ground? I am still struggling to find a middle ground.

You (can't) kill(ed) my spirit

After a particularly bad beating one day my abuser started showing his remorse like he did most of the time i told him "You are killing my spirit" I wish I knew then what i know now. The fact is the second those words left my mouth I should have packed up and got the hell out! But I stayed on and endured more. With ever attack a little more of me died away. There was a time I didn't know if I would ever know who I was again. In the last 5 months I have gotten to know me and I realize I am pretty awesome. I know I deserve happiness. Happiness and Love does not come via physical attacks but rather the feeling of safety and security. The hands of the person you love should never hurt.

Overload

My brain is so overloaded right now. Can't process all the feelings I am feeling. Don't like that feeling to much. Trying to remember FEELINGS AREN'T FACT.

"i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape"

LIAR, KILLER(?), DEMON!

My abuser always used to say," I don't know what is about you. I've never put my hands on another female." It used to kill me inside. What was it about me that would make him want to hit me? Maybe I do deserve this. While I am deeply sadden by the news I found out not too long ago I am also relieved. What he said was entirely UNTRUE! He did put his hands on another female. He beat his former girlfriend. She was smarter than me though When she left, she left for good never giving him a second chance.
He took me to the grave site of his stillborn baby once before we even started dating. Finding this out make me wonder is it his fault that baby is dead? The thought sickens me to the core.
When he would beat on me his eyes would turn dark and his face would twist up. When he beat on me he wasn't the guy I loved, he was like something out of a horror film. And when it was over his face would go soft and his eyes would well with tears and no matter how bruised or bloody I was somehow I always found myself trying to comfort him. Now I wonder was it all an act? Is he even human or is he a demon?

untitled.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Why Can't they understand??

When his family lashes out at me it hurts for this one reason: You see I did love him. I had a child with him and even though he used his fist there were periods of good times when we had hopes and dreams and plans. When I had to make the choice to call the police I also made the choice to do away with any hope for having a complete family. With his final beating I realized for the first time that all my hopes and dreams for our family would never come to light. I had to start thinking with my head and stop thinking with my heart. My heart believed that someday with enough love and encouragement the beatings would stop and we could start to heal and we could be a family. My head knew differently. That I could never give him enough. Every time I completed one thing that he said would make him less stressed and all better there was another thing that made hm angry. I couldn't win. Why can't they see its not just their family that is hurting and angry?

truth in words

"Domestic Violence feeds off of silence,my presence here speaks out"

“Nobody believes that domestic violence kills and nobody believes it is detrimental to children. This world has got to wake up. To me, if there is domestic violence, if the children see it or hear it, that to me is detrimental. Batterers should not have rights to children.” -Denise Brown

"When I am asked why a man/woman doesn’t leave abuser I say: They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving." Rebecca J. Burns

"To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed." Lynn Mari

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because, as has been said, it is the quality which guarantees all others. -Winston Churchill


“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” -Charles Jones