reasons

i sat down and i soul searched... my mom always said when you just can't seem to figure something out.... soul search. So the question at hand... Why do I always end up with men who can't commit and/or treat me badly?

I guess I didn't want to play the blame game. What I came up is totally cliche and I hate that this could be the reason but its the only reason that fit.

As kids my dad never let us get too close to him. He was always afraid he was gonna die young like his dad so as he explained it he didn't want us to get close so it wouldn't hurt us as much if he died young. When we hit 18 or so the relationship with my father had drastically improved. I love my dad very very much and I know that he loves me very very much. I know that his intentions were based on love but they were also based on fear. i think i buried it deep in my brain I think thats why I attract the men I do. Its comfortable, its what i am used too.

So how do i change this pattern? My thoughts... #1 Acknowledging and accepting what happened. I think a big part of that was also having my mom acknowledge that this could be a reason. At 27 years old I still crave my parents approval. When I talked to my mom about my thoughts she didn't make me feel bad for bringing this idea to the table. She acknowledged it could be a very valid reason.

#2 Forgiveness. This is something I am having a difficult time with. I love my dad and don't blame him so how is possible to forgive someone that you love so much with out placing blame. I think being a parent actually makes this process a little more difficult. i realize that as a parent we make mistakes. We do everything we can to protect our children but parents are not perfect. So the forgiveness I think may have already happened it could just be putting all the pieces together at this part.

#3 Moving on. That is were i am at now. Ok Dad made mistakes, I've made mistakes But My father loves me and I love my father. I love my daughter, my daughter loves me SO to me that means its time I love myself. My thought process being if I can love myself I can be comfortable with myself, If Im comfortable with myself I won't be looking so hard leaving the door open for something positive to happen...

So heres to new beginnings... Look and you'll find yourself... its hard... it hurts like hell but its possible... if your reading this blog and your in a situation keep remembering you are a survivor. You are an amazing woman. You don't deserve to only have half a person... Please Remember two halves of people don't make a whole person. Don't hate yourself for the mistakes you've made, love yourself for the person you are, the lives you've touched, the positive you've brought to this world... You are special, you are beautiful, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

we need to becareful

I think after leaving an abuser you get this over whelming high. for a minute you feel like you can take on the world. You believe that because you got the greatest evil in your life that it can't happen again. And then what do you do End up with the same exact type of person. Maybe this one doesn't physically abuse you but you end up in this loop of picking the same kind of person who can't be emotionally available. Than you feel stuck again. We need to find the root. We need to figure out why we are continually attracting this type of man. So I challenge myself to figure out why. i guess the first place to start is some kind of therapy. I don't think i can figure it out on my own. I think whenever I get close too figuring out why I pretend everything is a ok because I am scared. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to know why so i can change it. So i can become a better person so i can pick a person who will love me just for who i am... a person that CAN love me.

He smashed my computer

so it was a year ago today he smashed my computer to bits and threw me to the floor. he took the baby's highchair and held it high in the air like he was going to hit me. I called my mom... i talked to her as he threatened me and called me names and called my family names.... I remember telling my mom, "Mom I would never kill myself if anything happens to me just know I would never kill myself" Earlier that week i walked into him watching a popular court tv show that shows of a abusive husband that killed his wife and made it look like a suicide. I don't remember why the fight died down but it did. he went out or went to bed.... and i cleaned up the pieces. Everyone of my child's baby pictures was in that computer. That computer eventually was evidence for the State Police. When I got back nearly a year later and took it to a local Best Buy to try and retrieve the hard drive. The tech said he has NEVER seen damage that bad done to a laptop and he had just received a laptop run over by a truck earlier that day. Needless to say the hard drive was no able to be recovered.
This was the eve of our baby's 1st birthday..... he promised again that it woudn't happen ... ya know at that point and time i think i was finally starting to get it... it wasn't gonna stop until i died.

My Daughter

My daughter. She's just this ball of energy and love in its purest form. So gentle and caring and loving. Even through the terrible (almost) 2's. She learning who she is. And when she explores her world through a smack or a bite and she's realized I hurt mommy/M/ Auntie/etc. her bottom lip quivers and she rubs the boo boo and kisses it better. Later she'll come and bite or smack again and I continue to tell her No Little One, that's not nice We don't hit/bite/throw. We are gentle and take her little hands in mine and rub them gently across my/m/auntie/etc. face. And little by little its happening farther and farther apart. Trying to teach a children right from wrong is not an easy job but consistency pays off. My most important lesson to my child... Use your words/your signs but never your fist. No matter how frustrating it is when you can't get your part across you NEVER use violence to attention or your point across.. always use your words/signs and mommy will do her best to figure out what you can't say or sign.

After... sigh

I thought that after the sentencing i would feel this great relief. Boy was I dreaming. If anything things have seemed to have gotten worse. The first few days it was like this intense mourning. The boy I loved, turned into the man I feared BUT he was my daughters father. And now its become quite clear. My daughter will never have a father. No her biological father at least. I guess I prayed that while he was away he would realize he was wrong and that Teagan deserved better. I prayed that while he was in he would do some soul searching and make some real changes. Now he has 7-17 years to either make a change or sit and stew. His family wants to make every excuse in the book. Are you freaking serious. It makes me feel hateful... WHY DIDN'T YOU GET HIM OUT! You let your children be abused and you let your children become abusers. And now you hate me because I wanted better for my children. FUCK YOU! How could you stand up there and make it sound like I kept your grand daughter from you. LIAR LIAR LIAR!!!!!!!!!!! I asked you people a million times to see her and you refused because you were too angry at me... Now ... Now... sigh.... I don't even know. My daughter. MY DAUGHTER.... My life... My world.... MY DAUGHTER. You couldn't WOULDN'T even protect your own. why would i ever expect you would put your grand daughters well being first... God Help me... BUT I HATE YOU and I HATE the monsters you've created. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent my daughter from being your family's next Victim. She's MY daughter. Raised with Love. Raised with respect and even at her young age raised to know there are consequences for every action.

Victory

Court was on August 11th 2010. It was a crazy day indeed. I was given the choice to hand my VIS to the judge or read it. I decided that even though i was terrified I needed to read it allowed. It was a safe was to confront my abuser. I was literally shaking in my boots as i read it. This is my VIS:

"I ask you , Judge, to please not forget the faceless, voiceless victim.Domestic abuse is Family Abuse. Everyone deserves a voice. Writing this statement I need to find

a voice not only for me but for my innocent 1 year old daughter. Who has been through more
in her short time on this earth then any child should. My daughter's name is XXXXXX XXXXXX.
She turned One 4 days before the events on Oct. 26th.
She is hard of hearing. With in the first few days of escaping Mr. Abuser, XXXXXX signed "Daddy?" I told her "No daddy is not here anymore" and my daughter smiled. That scene will forever be burned in my head. I never realized how much my daughter had seen, felt or heard until that very moment.
No child should ever be put through that especially by her own father. At 21 months old
she appears to be a happy and healthy child. but I know the questions will come soon
enough, "Where is my daddy? Why did he hurt us? No matter how much I stew over the answers they are questions I just don't know the answers to at this time. I can only pray that I find the right words when the time comes. What happened that night was the terrifying finally of 4 years of abuse. I try to present myself to the world as a survivor of domestic and sexual abuse but the truth is though the physical injuries have long since healed the emotional injuries are far from it.
Mr. Abuser told me that night if I went to the police he would "make me pay"
I haven't had a full nights sleep because the all too real nightmares haunt me. Some days I feel like i hate Abuser for what he has done to us
and then I remember that with out him my precious daughter would not be on this earth
then the anger and hate for him returns when i think of how easily he could have taken her life
that night or mine and left her with out a mother. I am constantly in a state of worry,
If something ever happens to me what happens to my little girl.
But I have to press on with my life and
do my best to not let fear consume me because I have the single most
important job in the world of raising XXXXX by myself to be a well adjusted child not
guided by fear and hate.
What Mr. Abuser did that night did not just effect me but has effected every
last person in our lives down to my 2.5 year old nephew who came up to me a few weeks later, put
his arm around me and said "Uncle Abuser hurt my aunt Amanda" He pats
my arm and in this protective voice well beyond his 2.5 years he tells me
"I'll never let him hurt you again" No child should have to feel he needs to protect an
adult.
Immediately after the crime XXXXX and I were forced to relocate and
move in with our Aunt. I now have a hour drive to and from work.
we had to leave all of friends and some family. Now again 10 months later we are
still feeling the effect as XXXXX and I have had to move again due to housing issues.
My daughter deserves a stable location. Most important though
All of XXXXX's special needs team had to be changed. My
Aunts have rearranged schedules so that they could watch XXXXX so I could financially
provide for her. My family has been a rock for me but his crime has them scared
for the life and future of my daughter and I.
I am a terrified for the day that Mr. Abuser is released from prison. I am asking that
there be no contact or third party contact from Abusers in order for my
daughter and I to have adiquit time to heal and move on with our lifes.
I also ask that he be made to attend Domestic Violence and Drug and Alcohol
Counseling.
What Abuser did his daughter and I was completely unacceptable. I wasn't perfect
but I did Not deserve to be physically attacked by him! XXXXX deserved to have a father who loved her, who cared for her and that she could trust and he betrayed that trust. Our daughter was born with special needs and we knew she would have challenging moments when she grew up WE were suppose to make that easier for her Instead he added more challenges to her life.
For that at this point I can't forgive him."

When I sat back in my chair my aunt had tears in her eyes. It broke my heart. My abusers lawyer speaks. Talking about how my abusers was using and that the victim tried to keep him off drugs. He agrees. My abuser then got his chance to speak. He spoke of how he changed in the 10 months he spent in jail. How he did a anger management course. He said we needed as her mother and father to have a relationship and had to learn how to heal in order to bring up our daughter. "It's all about forgiveness" he says. And I lean to my NOVA worker and i start crying. I want what he is saying to be true. I know his words are all an act I've heard them a thousand time after every beating but for the sake of our daughter I wanted it to be true. He talks about how he found sobriety in jail, so he's grateful for the time he was put away "PRAISE JESUS" he says. And the judge asks him if he has anything else he wants to say. "No" In my personal opinion the judge was giving him a opportunity to apologize.
The judge was about to speak but his mother raising her hand in the air interrupts. "can i say something as his mother" "No i don't need to hear from you" the judge says. Then he reconsiders and lets her speak. And of course we should have pulled out the violins. His father abused him and he's acting only as he knows; he felt trapped by her. The DA was awesome as he said. "Was he chained to the wall" "was there no front door" she's like no but his father wouldn't let him come home. EXCUSES!! It's all the blame game for that family. Then she goes on to how she hasn't seen her grand daughter since her 1st birthday party. That pissed me off more than anything ever. I have numerous emails where i asked her to see the baby and she always said... I'm too mad at you still to see her. The NOVA worker told me to calm down. But i was fuming. How could this woman put her hand on a the bible and LIE!
Anyway. It was time for sentencing. The judge was awesome. He said the cycle of domestic violence has got to end some where. This was done in front of a 1 year old little girl. This is a serious offense and you still continue to pass the blame to the victim. The judge then made it clear he knew of my abusers previous violent crimes. He then handed down the sentence. 7- 17 years in state prison followed by another 5 years probation. This is a huge victory against domestic abuser.
While we walking out the door I take one final glance my abuser. He looks me in the eyes and tell me "I'll be seeing you" One final threat from him..... And instead of getting scared I smiled. He can't hurt me anymore. And were all out in the hall now. The DA tells me He can't legally contact me for 22 years. I'll almost 50 years old!!! And were all smiling and hugging and his sister walks right past us and says "LIAR". And its not even worth acknowledging. He pleaded guilty. There was a ton of evidence if we went to trial. TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY. But it doesn't matter now.. because it over.
And i can say , NOW, from expirence to other woman. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP. YOU CAN GET HELP. DON'T BE AFRAID. YOU CAN DO IT. THE LAW IS ON YOUR SIDE!!!
It doesn't mean it isn't hard. In the past few days since his sentencing my car is dying, i found out i'm losing the place i'm living and i can't find a baby sitter for while i am at work. Life is down right hard but i know that it will work out. I know that no matter how hard it gets i will live to see tomorrow. i will live to see my daughter grown and i will live to make a better life for us.

3 day until S day

Its right around the corner. The VIS is done. I do plan to share it once this is all over. I am nervous and anxious. I am afraid but READY for this to be over.
People always comment on how my daughter looks just like me. "It's uncanny" that's the most used expression. With the exception of her beautiful blonde curls and this one facial expression. Of course the only facial expression she got from him was the one i pray she didn't. She's going through the terrible "almost" twos right now. So she's a big fan of hitting. When she hit me in the face the other day and looked at me with his face. It took me aback. Imagine a grown woman being afraid of a 21 month old. After a couple seconds of shock. I took her hands in mine. I said "Honey it's ok to be angry but it is never ok to hit" I put her hands on my face and said "Gentle Baby Gentle"
Gentle Baby Gentle.... I wish that worked with my abuser... sigh